They Want to Hire Me to Spy on You

I just received a personalized recruitment letter from Aetna urging me to apply for a telephonic Disease Management position in Sugarland, a Houston suburb. I know I’d be a shoo-in for this opportunity because I have tons of healthcare espionage experience with one of Aetna’s major competitors. Actually, I wasn’t a very good spy. I spent most of my time helping members sort out their claim issues, which was totally outside my job description. I was supposed to punt all these calls to a “Rapid Resolution” expert in the claims department, but I’m not a big fan of passing the buck, especially when the member has my direct number and will contact me for follow-up. I know just enough about the claims payment process to be a major pain in the claims department’s ass and a major asset to members.

I’m not surprised about receiving a recruitment letter even given the economy because turnover in these positions is high mainly, I think, because the nurses who apply have no idea what they’re getting into. Many of them are “getting older” (their words, not mine), are tired of hospital shift work, and like to talk on the phone. They think they’re just going to chat with people about their health and benefit plans. In reality, these jobs are where nurses come to die. Take a look at the following job descriptions in my recruitment letter:

Disease Management
Disease Management offers education and case management services for members who have chronic health conditions such as asthma, coronary artery disease and juvenile diabetes. As a member of our Disease Management team you will be able to view Aetna members holistically, considering multiple diseases or conditions across all benefits plans, and deliver individualized programs based on their unique needs and preferences.

AND

Beginning Right Maternity
As a Case Manager, you will utilize clinical skills in a collaborative process to assess, plan, implement, coordinate, monitor and evaluate options and services to facilitate appropriate healthcare outcomes for members. Your responsibilities will include assessing members’ health status and care coordination needs, including discharge planning. You will offer member outreach and provide information, education, and follow-up activities.

Oh, Aetna, could you been any more frickin’ vague? How about hiring Renegade RN to rewrite your job descriptions, so applicants can get a better idea about what the job truly entails? Here goes:

Disease Management
Disease Management offers harassment and stalker services for members who have chronic health conditions such as asthma, coronary artery disease and juvenile diabetes that cost the company a ton of money. As a member of our Disease Management team you will be able to view Aetna members as greedy consumers, considering how to keep the sicker-than-shit ones out of the hospital while keeping a close eye on their benefit maximum, so you can kick them off the rolls ASAP, and deliver canned healthcare advice anyone with access to a computer or a television or a functioning brain stem can find.

AND

Beginning Right Maternity
As a Case Manager, you will follow the company’s computerized script in a talk-to-the-hand-kiss-my-bureaucratic-chain-of-command process to harass, negotiate with, and manipulate the poor bitches by threatening to withhold payment if all parties won’t comply with your care plan in an effort to find the cheapest healthcare outcomes for greedy, knocked-up consumers. Your responsibilities will involve monitoring pregnant women’s every move with an especially keen eye on those aging, high-dollar heifers, their sicker-than-shit preemies, including figuring out how to boot all of them out of the hospital more quickly. You will offer targeted espionage efforts and canned healthcare advice anyone with access to a computer or a television or a functioning brain stem can find.

So, Aetna, can I get an interview?