Renegade RN Mouths Off to Big Pharma

Working in an office-based setting, I frequently encounter pharmaceutical reps hawking their expensive brand-name drugs all in the name of improved health outcomes or some other lofty, disingenuous goal. While I don’t fault them for doing their job in trying to sell their company’s product, I always feel like I’m being hustled, and I regard whatever they say with a huge dose of skepticism. I don’t like being inundated with useless branded paraphernalia. I mean, who really wants to write with a pen that has the words “bacterial vaginosis” and “trichomoniasis” in bold letters? Talk about inducing one heck of a writer’s block. How many tape measures and two-ounce lotion bottles does one person need, and it’s cheap, nasty-smelling lotion to boot? No offense to the oral contraceptive hustlers, but do you really think women can’t wait to get their hands on a cheap, neon-colored, zippered bag emblazoned with a drug logo, much less carry one around? Trust me, it’s not Louis Vuitton, so don’t play it up as some darling freebie. I will be embarrassed for you and shove your samples to the back of the cabinet. It serves you right for wasting my time with your endless, inane questions, such as:

1) What kind of feedback are you getting on my Product X? Ummm, none. What did you expect? It’s a vitamin, not a cure for cancer.

2) What will it take to increase prescriptions for my Product X? Duh, decrease your price point. We both know there are almost always comparable generics at greatly reduced prices, and insurance companies’ Tier II and III drug co-pays are prohibitively high for most people. Don’t make me state the obvious; it only annoys me further.

3) Why are you prescribing my competitor’s Product Y when my Product X is superior? Well, you see there’s really no definitive evidence that Product X is superior to Product Y, and in fact, your competitor was just here and gave me the same spiel, but his product was, of course, the superior one. Yeah, yeah, I know you’ve got your studies, but they were partially, if not fully, funded by your company, and your company had a vested interest in the results, and in some cases even controlled whether negative results were reported, so you have zero credibility with me on this basis. Tell it to the FDA. I’m sure they’ll get right on it. Better yet, advertise this superiority fallacy to the uninformed and apathetic public. Then, I’ll get the chance to reeducate all of them, which I relish.

4) Why aren’t you eating the lunch I brought? Because I’m vegetarian, and you brought barbecue. You hawk blood pressure medication. Do you have any idea how much fat and salt are in that cured beef? What kind of health paradigm are you pushing? Yeah, I said paradigm.

5) When will the doctor be available to speak with me? I don’t know. I’m not his keeper, and I’ve already got first, second, and third dibs on speaking with him.

6) Can I put up a poster, leave some flyers, staple my card to the wall by the samples? Knock yourself out, but please, as tempted as you may be, don’t screw around with your competitor’s stuff. They’ll complain and retaliate, and it creates a mess for me to clean up. Do us all a favor and duke it out in the parking lot before you come to the office. Whoever wins gets to decorate for the day!

I concede that your samples do help some people initially with the cost of their medications, the key word being initially. But, the truth is that many of these people will not be able to afford the out-of-pocket cost of the drug once the samples run out, even if they have insurance. This should not be a shock to you, so please spare me the deer-in-the-headlights look of surprise. Inevitably, we will have to switch these people to a generic alternative or keep giving them samples, neither of which, I realize, makes any money for you or your company. I am fully cognizant of your conundrum, but I DON’T care. My duty is to the patient and his/her holistic well-being, not to your personal profit margin or your company’s bottom line. No amount of cheap crap you dump on my desk, company-sponsored literature you shove in my face, or food you provide, even if it’s vegetarian, will influence me to favor your branded product over any other, unless there’s some absolutely compelling reason, which there rarely is. You need a reality check, and this is it. It’s time to embrace a new paradigm. Give all the drama a rest, leave your samples, and go in peace.